Sitting comfortably on a graveyard bench with no better place to go. My belongings scattered from left to right.
I think of how graveyards are misunderstood, portrayed as frightening places, oftentimes empty for the same reason. But I believe we should spend more time here, respectfully musing on the lives of those who lay beneath the ground. The atmosphere strikes an instant new perspective. Being surrounded by death is the ultimate reminder of life. Feeling, respectively, so fortunate.
As a being who, from afar, could be considered a loved being, I feel farcical. I have hidden myself for years under clothes or behind confident words. But have I gone too deep? Are you able to see me? Have I hoaxed my way into a hole that means I can’t be truly known? Or, if you do see me, is it an accurate representation or instead the facade of Ffion? I wonder which of the many women who reside within me will come to the forefront today.
Others around me seem to do it with such ease. I can't help feeling envious. I blame my brain. I try to accept myself and my ways. Envy is one of the most prominent emotions in human nature, and yet the most unspoken.
In the past, I’ve always felt overwhelmed with guilt when I find myself feeling envious. I would try to convince my thoughts to go in a more untroubled direction. I found myself drawn to researching the philosophy of Nietzsche. His ideas made me contemplate the ownership of envy.
Envy is a tool rather than a cage. It is a clearer chance to navigate our desires, bringing us closer to our fate. Howeer, this is not easily achieved, nor is it achieved quickly or comfortably, but as long as it’s listened to constructively, envy can be a clarifier for experience, relations and the self. It is a poor soul who forbids envy, who runs from the discomfort that comes with it, instead rushing blindly towards comfort and colourless safety nets.
All of our most natural instincts are miscommunicated or not communicated at all. We’re left feeling like we are the only ones burdened with them in all the world and at any time. Please don't fall victim. Embrace the discomfort. It's in our nature to feel discomfort. This is what we do.
Happiness can’t be understood without the shadows of suffering. It's in our nature to feel pain and hurt and agony. It's in our nature to feel envious, but it's also in our nature to love and heal and grow and gain. Whichever it is today, do it deeply.
I live and breathe to commit and surrender myself to love. What feels like a lifetime ago, I fell incomprehensibly hard for someone who seemed to be the epitome of genuinity. And yet, through malice or something, it was fake. I was derailed, fed remedies and unreal bliss. Uncontrollably understood. Emotionally and physically bruised. Emotionally and physically used.
Don't misunderstand – though I gave myself completely, and almost lost myself entirely, I regret nothing. I was happy to be there. I surrendered myself to something unsure and selfish. Anything I had and gave were burnt to the touch, but it was passion and dangerous displays of something similar is what we’re all looking for. I haven't found it yet. So, I'll live some more.
I now know how and when to open the gates to release this flood of passion. My own poor heart, who has suffered, still beats beyond and looks for love relentlessly. I will ensure her precious joys.
Goethe believed in order to develop fully we need to flirt with things that could be quite dangerous, but hold onto a sense of higher purpose. I think every book, every film, every story has love as its driving force.
I don't want to be the girl who turns away forever into the cold shadows of absence. I am good on my own. But I'll also lay in front of you and bare my whole self. I'll hand over my ego and all. I will offer my heart on a heated plate.